I am 27. I am a media planner in an advertising agency. I am gay though neither my parents nor my colleagues suspect it.
It costs me quite a lot of efforts to hide and I am on the verge. When homophobes say “do whatever you want to behind the close doors, so that we don’t see it” — they don’t even imagine what a stupid thing they say.
Okay, you can rent an apartment together with a friend because it’s cheaper. You can also go to the movies and for a bike ride with the same friend. But what about family photos on your office desk or questions about how you spent your weekend and with whom are you going for a vacation — how would you deal with those?
Routine telephone conversations, talking about who buys bread or what time we are meeting after work in the metro or that I am running late — try to converse in such a way that people around you won’t understand whether you’re talking to a man or a woman. Try and train yourself to constantly check and to think over each and every word you utter! I don’t even want to talk about all these “love you” and “kisses, my bunny” things that you, heterosexuals, allow yourselves to say over a phone without even noticing how shamelessly you exhibit your private lives to the public. But don’t I dare to do the same.
We have a big holding and there is an open gay among my big bosses. He thinks that there is no discrimination and he can afford to think this. Allegedly, everybody respects him and under each of his posts on social media there are a few hundred hypocritical likes from his colleagues and employees. He doesn’t hear what people say behind his back. But I do. He won’t be fired during the first cut backs and people won’t stop shaking his hand, hiding their disdain. But I do know for sure that as soon as I come out, I will be fired on the first occasion.
Moreover, I know that as soon as I come out, people will start explaining all my problems with a reference to my homosexuality.
You’re depressed? Because you’re gay.
You’re ill? All gays have an unhealthy lifestyle.
A car crash? This is God punishing you for being gay.
Troubles at work? Because gays can’t work properly.
You were beaten on a street? All gays dress provocatively and even their gait makes people aggressive.
Had a fight with your partner? Because all gay families are abnormal.
When you have money and high status, all of a sudden, people start to respect you the way you are. So, the only way for me is to become the head of a holding or something like that? Do I need to aspire to become rich and successful, to become Elton John, Steven Fry, and Dolce and Gabbana, all at the same time, or at least a known football player or a journalist, so that people just stop pointing fingers at me and calling me a faggot?
There are many gays among my friends and I constantly notice how they strive to be perfect. They strive to have a perfect masculine body, a perfect haircut, choose perfect clothes, be super sportive and mega professional. I don’t know whether they are not exhausted by such a lifestyle but I can’t constantly prove something to someone. What if I don’t want to climb on the top of the pyramid? I don’t want to have all the money in the world, I don’t want to be perfect and a genius. I won’t be killing myself in the gym to have perfect abs, so that all straight people will die out of jealousy. My boyfriend loves me the way I am. And I want the world to accept me the way I am.
My boss has an incomparably easier life. Still, I will come out.